Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you three, my babies. That I carried briefly but I will forever carry in my heart.
For a long time, I have kept this inside. And I feel the need to share it with the world. I felt so much guilt every single time I’d lose a pregnancy. I’d ask myself what I did wrong all the time. More than I should have honestly. The most recent one was 3 weeks into my husband's rotation to Korea last year. I kept it a secret from him for about 4 months. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to think about it. And I didn’t want him to hate me. Not like he ever could. He knew it wasn’t my fault. But in my head, that’s all I could think about. I instantly became depressed. As much as I prayed to god I felt like something was seriously wrong with me for not being able to keep a pregnancy.
It wasn’t until I photographed my first and second birth that I felt whole again. The amount of love and strength that comes with birth is so incredible to me. Being invited to a woman's birth space is an honor. You get to photograph such a vulnerable and powerful moment for them. Many of you ask why I am so passionate about births and bump to baby. To me, it is such a healing experience. To be able to witness all these amazing women bring life into this world. Many of them have gone through the same experiences as me. From infertility struggles that have lasted well over five years. To miscarriages, losing that baby that broke your heart and no one will understand why. It gives me so much hope that I will be mama to a little baby one day.